I feel angry, fustrated, spent and miserable...

So I'm working at this new job for a week now. In talking to a friend on Friday night, he mention that another friend was looking for people to do playtesting of a new MMORPG.

What playtesters are gonna be paid is a bit more than what I'm currently earning. After a bit more questioning and some thought, I lament a good (and frankly; prefered) job oppotunity gone by. And I thought that was the end of that.

He then remembered about the localization job that they were also looking for people for. That pays almost double of what I'm getting. And it's a full-time job, requiring the employee to work as part of a team.

That's when the fustration kicked in.

More than the money, it's a chance to do something I know I can do and have more than passing interest in. Just as importantly, a chance to break into the gaming industry or further jobs doing localization or related work.

I begin to question, 'Why now!?'. After almost a week of settling into a new job.

I begin to get angry. Another friend had just gotten me the job I'm now doing. Why did he have to do so now?! Why did I agree to take the job?! This is what happens when I agree to help out because I need cash and _his_ friend needs workers.

Why must things be so? Just when I accept having to settle for less, more passes me by because I've already gave up. This is not the first time I accept jobs/help because people want to help me and by doing so I help them. But then something better always passes me by. It happens often and in almost all aspects of life.

My friend only knows an 'Aaaaahhhhh!!! Why now!?', as that's about all I spoke about my mind on things. I ask a bit more before I left.

Walking a bit, I felt spent. Much as I'd like to drop whatever I'm doing now to take up that localization job, I can't. Earlier discussion with that same friend brought up the phrase 'personal integrity'. I'm not entirely sure if that's the cause but I feel trapped.

All through yesterday and today I keep thinking about things. I tell myself I've accepted that I won't be jumping jobs and that another such chance will come along. But I don't feel like I believe it. All I feel is misery over the whole thing.

Events like this makes me want to just be all round nasty, spiteful and break whatever value my word has left.

Stupid morals.